The hardest 4 months

The hardest 4 months

Falling pregnant was such a shock. We had only been in our second month of the pregnancy program with Dr liu (The doc I did the controversial cleanse with in Jan). I had finished the 3 month (101 Wellbeing program) of the organ regeneration and then moved onto the pregnancy plan.

I really didn’t think it would work this fast- even though Dr Liu told me I would be pregnant in June.

I had just landed the dream job- a show on ch7 called “The house of wellness” I wanted to tell them the news but I was also aware that it was early days and I didn’t want to reveal to much to soon.

Also its my nature to be open and honest and I felt voiceless.

Benji had asked me to please keep it quiet until we were over 3 months. I felt isolated and kinda like I was lying to myself and everyone around me.

I wanted people to know that if anything awful happened “that” was exactly what I was going through. There is no shame in that.

I feel so sad for women in there first trimester. Its constant worry and you hold that burden yourself.

I wanted to feel a tribe of support for this awkward unknown time and I didn’t get that because I needed to respect my husbands wishes.

He really didn’t let himself get excited until we were over 3 months.

I was bonding from the moment I found out and I knew that if something happened I would be broken and I wanted to be present for where we were at each moment.  That’s not how Benji coped. He was the one managing “reality”.

Shutting up for 4 months was the hardest thing I’ve done. This massive miracle occurs and you can’t celebrate or feel good.

We told our closest friends and family. But I felt like a liar. I wanted to keep blogging and being on my social media platforms but I wasn’t being honest so I didn’t feel like engaging.

I didn’t realise how important being real with everyone means to me. Pregnancy was brutal, the first trimester I WAS SO SICK. Even whilst I type this, I have an underlying nausea that I can cope with. For weeks (10 to be exact week 6-16) I felt like I had the worst hangover of my life. I couldn’t socialise or even leave bed some days.

There were times I had to leave public places like the supermarket for the fear of spewing in aisle 3.I had to have salted chips on me at all times. You can still find random packets next to my bed, in my car and every handbag.

I was eating them at 7 am.

I had lost complete control over my body and I couldn’t even share this with anyone.

I was gaining weight fast. Now this is the least of my worries but as women it’s really weird to have something take over your whole being and body. This I will cover in another blog.

I hated the first trimester. I felt so ill and isolated and grumpy and tired and I was scared that it wouldn’t end.

I felt detached from friends, the only thing I had energy to do was lay on the couch. One day my gorgeous friend Taneal felt so sad for me she came over and cooked me rissoles and mashed potatoes and sat with me on the couch, God love her.

I felt detached from my husband- a date night turned into me attempting to help with the super market shop and then pulling out just as we were walking out the door to go lie on the lounge- again.

I needed to eat allllll the time. IT was the only thing to help the nausea.

Then I started to work. I was SO sick. I had to take Zofran an anti nausea that is category B1. Meaning that it’s a category down from the safest anti nausea that didn’t even hit the sides. Please don’t judge- it was so hard to get off the couch let alone host a national TV show and I needed to get through the day- so I took them and I worried at every moment that it might have done something to the baby.

Everything worried me, slightly undercooked steak, runny poached eggs. I had become so neurotic it was doing my head in.

I had so much guilt taking these pills and would only do it if I knew I had no other choice.

We had a rehearsal for the new TV show and from 3pm I just wanted to vomit.  I had another 4 hours on set and I just needed to locate the closest safe zone if it happened. I didn’t take my pills that day and I wasn’t willing to risk it for the first live shoot!

So here I am- the news is out now and I can share it all with you. The constant anxiety, the excitement, the WTF is happening to me and my body- its going to be here for all of you to read.

So enjoy even if I struggle to at times x