Letting myself cry..

Maybe your having an off day or something has set you off and you just feel sad. Sometimes we just need to feel the negative feelings. We need to have a cry and move on.

I for one have a terrible problem where I can't cry in public.. It's debilitating. I will be ready to burst in to tears but stop myself with every fibre of my being if I know someone may see me..

What is that about? Why don't I just let it out?

And the worst part is holding it in makes me feel even shittier than if I just had a good ol' cry..

Last night this occurred. Benj and I were watching the block, well Benj was watching the block. I was blogging when something caught my attention. One of the girls on the show was doing a walk for cancer, for her mum who had passed just a few weeks ago. I was shocked that she was on this show able to perform the strenuous tasks after such a loss. Then it happened.. I was moved by how fresh and deep her grief was. I was really moved. I remembered exactly how that felt. I knew that pain so well and I wanted to burst into tears. I could feel myself welling up and the heavy sobs below the surface ready to expel from my body.. But then I felt Benj watching me,  waiting to see if I was getting upset. Then it began, I was self-conscious, not because I don't want him to see my cry (he has many times) but that I felt I should "get over it" already its been 7 years. How much longer will this grief hang on for?

Maybe it's because I never let myself feel it, from the day she died I can count on one hand how many times I've allowed myself to mourn my mum.

The surrounding circumstances to her death didn't allow me any time to mourn. I was forced to get on and try to survive. So that is what I have  been doing and I guess that is why I still feel very overwhelmed by emotion sometimes. This very rarely happens. Even a good friend of mine questioned me how I can speak so calmly about my past and my mum's death?

I don't know whether this is positive or its going to come back and haunt me for years to come.

Whatever it is I still feel rather shitty today. I feel negative and lonely.. Even a little hopeless.

Maybe I will find myself a quiet moment and let myself cry.. Because I know I'm only human and sometimes you need to let yourself cave..

If only for a few moments.